Sunday, January 31, 2010
Its almost 9 again and I’m feeling like I might be having the same bedtime again tonight. I’m not really sure why I’m eve tired; I slept until 10 this morning, laid in bed for about an hour and a half and fell back asleep for another hour and a half. That’s a lot of freakin sleep! And I can’t blame it on my week because I took a nap every day this week and was my rest week from working out. So if anything I shouldn’t really be this tired. Whatever it is I’m going to have to suck it up and start a new week, with being back outside In the cold for work and working out again, I don’t have time to be lounging around in all my free time (and by free time I mean any time I’m not at work).
Well here I am again two paragraphs in with nothing written that has served anybody a purpose, and for that I apologize because I’m sure it’s quite boring. I only do it because this is really my only outlet how I feel I guess. I never really tell people how I feel so this my way of doing it without actually having to do it. I’m not really sure why I have such a hard time doing it but I do and sometimes it’s very frustrating. I don’t usually tell the people that I love and care about that I love and care about them as much as I should. I don’t tell people when I’m sad or hurt because it seems like a weakness. I don’t tell people when they want too much out of me and tend to let people walk all over me. I have a hard time telling girls I like them and want to date them, even if the feeling is mutual and I know it. I have a hard time telling people how much they really mean to me when a simple thank you was not nearly enough praise. So I go around everyday holding all this within and finally just needed to let it out, even if it’s not to the people that need to hear it. Although at least so far the people that read this are my dear friends and I love each one of you, I have only told a handful about this blog so I know who you are, and I hope you know who you are. So I guess I’ll take this time and thank each of you for being there for me.
For my friend I’m going to call Turtle, you are my best friend. You would do anything for me and I the same for you. I’m not really sure what I would do without you and I am forever grateful you are my friend. To my friend in Belize; I love you and you are a better friend to me than I am to you. I’m sorry I haven’t always been there for you even though you have and will always be there for me. I’m so happy and proud that you are my friend and the people you are serving are lucky to have you. To my friend Toot, you are amazing. You are a good friend and a good person to those that you don’t even know. You have so many talents and I’m happy that you have utilized them and not let them go to waste. To my friend and sometimes sidekick on adventures, you are awesome. You were willing to spend time with me even when it wasn’t always convenient for you, if that meant exploring the boring town we lived in or putting aside what you were doing to talk to me. Thank you so much for that and I miss having you around for that. To my sleepy friend on a small island, you are beautiful! That is why I have a picture of you and me together for everybody to see. Your beauty is not only skin deep but throughout your entire body. You have so much to offer to everybody you meet and I am glad that I was able to be one of those people touched by you.
I could have written tons more about each of you but I didn’t want to because it would take to long for me to write and you too read so I just wrote the basics. But I felt it was important to tell you this because you mean so much to me and I want you to know.
Friday, January 29, 2010
I am completely ending that thought because I had stop writing for like half an hour and am coming back in am in an even better mood and didn’t feel like going back to continuing what I was saying. I have found a new you, the label maker! This thing is freakin sweet! It does pictures too! I’m making labels for everything in the office; so far I’ve labeled a pencil with a picture of a pencil, the phones with a picture of a phone, and the computers with the picture of a computer. My day has just gotten so much better and can’t wait to finish this post so I can continue my mischief. Did I mention that I’m also blasting Lady gaga? That little detail is crucial. Just so you know I did actually do some work though. I do want to try to write something with a little substance to it because I vowed not to write about the pointless things I do in my day to day life. So after I finish my interpretive dance to Pinks Sober I’ll get a real thought going.
I don’t think this qualifies as a significant thought but I think I’m in love with the singer from Flyleaf. Somehow that one sentence triggered something in this messed up brain of mine that has sparked an idea. I’m not satisfied with my life. Maybe I’m just so boring and routine that there isn’t even anything to get excited about but I just feel like something is missing. I felt that way when I dropped out of school, had no job, no relationship, no worries whatsoever and I’ve felt it while I had a good relationship, working two jobs, and playing soccer three nights a week. There is just some sort of void that is missing and I can’t figure it out, even when things appear to be great and I’m happy, I’m not. When I’m not around people parading around with my mask on I’m at home by myself trying to figure out what’s missing. I’m not saying my life completely sucks, but it would be nice to figure it out soon. I’ve got friends and family who love me and I love them in return, I’ve got a good job that I enjoy doing, I’ve had good relationships with great girls, but even with all those its not complete. I looked to religion to see if that’s what it was missing, I turned to alcohol as well. I got Prozac just to help me make it through the day. Hopefully I find whatever it is and soon, or if somebody knows the answer please let me know. Its getting exhausting living life this way, and want to break out of this frame of mind. Maybe the label maker is what has been missing and is the source of all my happiness.
Its weird how I went right from being in a great mood right back into this gloomy state but I guess I’m used to that now. I guess being in the good mood I was earlier is an indication that my life doesn’t completely suck so I can’t be too upset. Even the music I listened to changed moods. I somehow went from Lady Gaga and Pink to Anberlin and Thrice. It’s now 4:19 and time for me to finish writing and to go home and sleep. I’ve got to catch up on some of that sleep I missed last night and rest if I’m going to drown my problems tonight.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
One person in particular is a huge follower of politics especially for the Republican Party. The other day he mentioned some shit in the news which led to us having a conversation about it, conversation meaning he told me what happened because I hadn’t the slightest idea what was going on, which led to him finding out that I am democratic. Although I use that term very loosely because I don’t follow politics in the slightest so I guess it’s not really fair to say I’m a democrat but for this stories purpose let’s pretend I am. Well once he found out this little fact about my life he has made it a point whenever he can to bash on the Democratic Party. After three days of this nonsense it has finally started to get to me, and since I have the best luck in the world last night was the State of the Union. Whatever Obama said last night must have just blown a fuse in this guys head because he is just more upset than ever about whatever it was he said last night. So after three days of hearing his propaganda I have had enough, it’s not because what he says is frustrating because he’s insulting my opinion but because I just don’t give a fuck! I still have a hard time with my lefts and my rights, so how am I going to tell apart the leftist from the right ones? I don’t know which party is liberal and with is conservative. I cant tell you what McCain or Obama had on their platform or what that even means. All I know is politicians lie, cheat, and in a lot of cases not happy with their current relationships. At least Barack seems to have a loving relationship with Michelle so he’s ok in my book. As for the rest of the stuff that he does I don’t care. I’m just gonna have to sit back and deal with it just like every other American. So complaining to your coworker that doesn’t even care in t first place isn’t going to help the situation any. I mean when has a politician ever been completely honest, when was the last time any body was completely honest for that matter! I mean can we really expect that much from them?
I’m not sure why I have this thing for timing like how I said I wasn’t doing work and the phone rings because as soon as I started writing about my coworker he left for lunch. Guess it works both ways so I can’t complain. I guess complaining to people who don’t care can actually help sometimes! But once again I have come to the end of my philosophies on life and now have the fun task of looking up a title for this post. Is is bad that I get my title last and not choose my topic and title and then write? Not sure, who cares, maybe my awaiting lunch has the answer, peace!
So I am writing this after originally posted todays blog. As soon as I posted this and got up to get my lunch, said person above walked in, told me a new (political) nickname he made for me and another tid bit of information from last nights SoU. Like I said, great timing
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
So after that conclusion and still not really having anything on my mind I am going to look out the window until something hits me…… Unfortunately I am in the second floor of a warehouse and the only thing in view is a concrete wall, not very inspirational. Although I don’t know how I just came to this but I was reading on LinkedIn about this guy I know took the business he owned and using it to make an indoor soccer facility. I don’t know the full details about it because if was a very brief bio but I think that’s awesome that he’s pursuing something that he wants and enjoys.
I’m sure everyone has their hopes and dreams of what they want to do in life and then forget about them. I’m a dreamer by far and have all these great ideas of stuff I want to do, but like most people with those aspirations I don’t have the money or the resources for it. So instead of admitting defeat like most people do and bid them farewell I keep those dreams alive and use them for motivation. I don’t keep a false hope and say “if I ever win the lottery I’ll do it” I just stay practical. I work for it piece by piece in hopes that I will eventually complete the puzzle. I was watching a TV show the other day and the dad of the main character (who was a grown man himself) decided to go to Law School because it was what he had always wanted to do. Now I realize this is a fictional story but it had a good point. Most of the population would never consider such a change especially at that age, especially since it would be hard, time consuming, and expensive. I believe if it’s something you really do want to do bad enough that it’s never too late. I’m not really sure where this thought is taking me and I don’t want to sound cliché and say something trite like follow your dreams or anything is possible. I just want to say you don’t have to be the smartest or strongest to do what you want. Rudy played for Notre Dame even though nobody though he could; even if he played in only 1 game he reached his goal. I can’t promise you that just because you do try that you will reach it, but at least you tried and won’t spend the rest of your life being miserable wondering what if. Nobody likes to hear the 60 year old guy talk about how he could have been this or should have done that.
I’m in a peculiar mood right now so I don’t know if anything I just said makes any sense or not. I hope it does because it did in my head. But I’m too lazy to re read this and edit it so I am just going to hope for the best. If anything maybe you can just take your own interpretation on it and get something useful out of it. I’m going to stop here now before I say something about what I ate for lunch
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I hate hearing people complain that they don’t have a job, its not that there aren’t any out there, there just aren’t the ones you want. Wither you cant find a job as good as your last one or just don’t like the ones available there’s a solution, its called growing up. Just because you got paid a lot for doing little work before doesn’t mean every job is going to be that way. So instead of settling for a little bit less pay and actually having to put forth a little more effort you sit there and complain how you cant get a job and that’s a load of shit. I had a pretty sweet gig interning at Carfax because it was an awesome place to work, pay was decent, and it wasn’t hard at all, and like all good things it came to an end. When I came back from school and was told I couldn’t get the position back there so I started looking for some other jobs. After a month or two of not finding a job that matched pay and work as Carfax did I realized that it just doesn’t exist, I had just gotten lucky and had to face reality. I lowered my standards and applied for other work and got a job in just a few weeks. What was this job? I was a janitor at my gym, and I’m not ashamed of it. I wanted a job bad enough that I was willing to do it. Sure scrubbing toilets and having people I know watch my wash equipment isn’t something I take pleasure in but I did it anyway.
I eventually got another job which is the one I’m doing now. I love this job but I’ll admit its pretty demanding sometimes. Long hours working outside no matter the condition ccan be pretty physically and mentally challenging and am completely drained at the end of the day, but when I wake up the next morning I’m looking forward to doing it all over again. A lot of people wonder why I enjoy this job because of the amount of hard work involved and the danger that comes with this work. The short answer is because I know I’m expected to work and am willing to work hard. I had a 2000 pound trailer crush my finger causing me to be hospitalized and have surgical repairs and months of therapy to regain movement. You know where I was the next day? Work. You know where I was the day I got out of the hospital with my cast on? Work. Numerous people wonder why I would keep my job after such an accident like that let alone go back the next day. I get asked why I didn’t sue my company and get what I can, and its because I’m not too lazy to take the easy way out. And I can guarantee that any of the guys I work with would have done the same as me. We understand the value of hard work and discipline and don’t expect things to be handed to us,
Now once again a problem with blogs is it portrays the writer in this heavenly glow of light they nothing is wrong and are perfect. I’m not saying I’m perfect and am not better then somebody because I like my job and you don’t. I don’t wake up with a smile on my face anxious for work and ready to go. I’m just at terms with what I have to do and am willing to do it. I’ll admit I’ve quit jobs because they were so shitty I didn’t understand how anybody could possible work there. I had wanted a job for some time while at Snow and started at a call center that hires anybody. That job sucks its completely mundane and I would rather watch paint dry, so I quit after a day, but after than I never complained about not having a job. I got a job when I wanted one, I just didn’t want that bad. The people that did work there just wanted it more than I did, so they sucked it up and went in and did what they needed to do . If a job truly is that terrible just think of it as a means to an end and its just temporary. But if you are just always unhappy and never satisfied with what you do maybe you should try being homeless for a week and see how good you really have it.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Since this whole thing is for me, about me, and by me I decided I’m going to make pasts daily. Now that may seem like a lot but if you think about it, it’s really not. In fact I’d say its an improvement of how I have been spending my time before I started this. I’m not writing this because I’m bored and have hours of free time to kill, but I decided to make time. Nobody is too busy for the things they really want to do. They just spend their time doing the things they want to do instead. If there is something that you’ve wanted to do but haven’t because you’re too busy don’t blame anybody but yourself. Chances are the time that you could be using to do what you want is being spend on pointless shit like checking the pictures your friends posted of themselves getting trashed at a party they went to on the weekend that look an awful lot like the ones of the party they were at the weekend before. Or following your friends on twitter even though you’re not a good enough friend to actually care what they are doing or to have them tell you personally. So cut the crap and unless all your time is being spent rescuing kittens and serving soup at the homeless shelter you’ve got the time. In fact if you’re reading this you’ve got time. If there is something that you’ve wanted to do for at least a week or so stop reading right now and do it. This is not as important and I guarantee you will not be missing anything in the rest of this post.
I don’t mean to be preaching now and am not a perfect example of what I say which is something I’m starting to not like about blogs. People get up on their soap boxes and give sermons to you on how to improve what you’re doing wrong and what you should do to improve yourself, but somewhere between the lines they seem to forget they themselves aren’t perfect. I don’t come to you thinking I am high and mighty and above all of you and my blog will fix all of you. In fact the more I write the more I realize my own faults, mostly because I struggle to do the very things that I am spilling onto paper. So maybe with this I will be able to address my own faults and change my behavior as well as inspire you to do the same. Wither you have the same problems I do or that this just causes you to really think honestly about yourself and what you could improve about yourself hopefully this helps. I really do hope this helps at least somebody because its helping me and I don’t want to be that selfish as to only help myself, plus if I inspire somebody to make a positive change in their life I can honestly say that I did something meaningful, and who knows when the last time I could say I did that.
Now with all that said I’m not looking for any type of praise or honor. If I do help you that’s great, I’m not looking to receive feedback on how it helped though. It’s not the glory somebody gives you that makes you feel good about something but the personal satisfaction, and that’s all I want. I honestly don’t care enough to know what I did except that I did. So in a far stretch that anything I have or will ever say is incentive enough to inspire change maybe just a “hey thanks” is all that’s needed.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Not really sure why I decided I’d start writing or even who I’m writing too but I’m doing it anyway. I don’t know if I want to start or journal or turn this into a blog but I felt like writing so damn it I will. Funny how I never wanted to when I had to write for school, or wanted to keep a journal when my parents told me too, but when you have a lot on your mind and nobody to tell this is the next best thing. But at least this way its not graded and my parents aren’t gonna get on my ass about keeping this up so it’s a good alternative.
Now I realize that writing is meant to get a point across but I don’t have a point, I think that’s part of the ADD, so I’m not going to come to you with different topics like things that pissed me off today or people I can’t stand which is what a lot of blogs seem to be these days. In fact I think that after just writing that I decided to do an honest to goodness self evaluation. I think I am a piece of shit! I only have a handful of close friends and it’s probably because most people can’t stand me. I try to hard to be funny and really aren’t most of the time. I don’t do serious relationships not because I cheat and am that horrible but I just can’t. I’ve tried and it didn’t work. I tried the whole friends with benefirs thing and that didn’t work either so I’m just stuck in some sort of horrible purgatory that doesn’t allow me either.
And all this brings me to my next point which is I pity myself, and that is just absolutely disgusting. Nothing is more pitiful than a perfectly capable person feeling sorry for themselves when they only have themselves to blame. I wallow around complaining how horrible life is but yet I do nothing to fix it. Albert Einstein once said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”, but yet I haven’t changed a damn thing in my life for the past year.
But as fun as this is I think I’m going to stop here, at least for now, because I could probably write pages about all the things wrong with me but 1. Am too lazy to keep going and 2. If I do post this at some point I don’t want to bore everybody reading this. Because if this is about me and I’m boring myself I know you the readers must be bored. Now there I go being arrogant and even assuming that anybody would read this garbage. So instead of continuing on my pointless ramblings I’m going to call it a night. Not because I’m tired or have nothing else to say but because I want structure. I want to figure out what the point of me writing is. Wither I come to you with a topic or if I do just go on randomly wherever my crazy brain takes me. If I’m writing for an audience or some sort of personal therapy or maybe even both I just want to figure it out.