Allow me to reintroduce myself

My name is Jeff.
In 2010 I created this blog. Multiple times throughout my previous posts I mention how its an "outlet" or "therapy" for me but I never mebtion for what. I had just dropped out of college and was goibg through a lot of issues, and turned to writing to let things out. Well, while at school I developed severe depression and anxiety. I didnt know what it was or how to deal woth it. Fast forward 10 years, I got help and learned how to deal with my mental health, went back to school, got into a career I love, and just this past weekend got engaged! I guess I thought I'd come back here to express myself in a healthy way to get things off my chest again. Not because I'm going through it again, but because I'm not. In no way am I the pinnacle of "how to deal with your problems". But, I have dealt with a lot a figured out how to get a grip on things. I guess if anything, I want to share my advice for anybody going through what I did. So, I guess this is the start of a new adventure.

Allow mw to re-introduce myself

Ah yes, the ol' blog. So it been a little over 6 months since I've written on here and been pretty scarce for a while before that one. That being said I think I'm going to try and make this a regular habit to write in here. Although I'm not sure if people still blog anymore, I feel like that was a big fad a few years ago and everybody else moved on except me. I'm like that guy cruisin Myspace, while the rest of the world is on facebook. Either way nobody reads this with the exception of the three people I'll tell when I'm done so it won't make any difference anyway. If that's the case though don't tell me and I'll live in my happy fantasy "blogs are still cool" world and be none the wiser. That being said I would like to re-introduce this blog (in the rare case that somebody other then the said three people stumble across this). Although I don't remember the exact reason I started this blog, it quickly turned into something other then just a blog. When I started it I had just dropped out of college and moved back home with my parents. As much as that sucks in its own right, I had a lot of personal issues that I was going through, and to keep a long story short, life was not good. As I pushed through and lived my day to day life I noticed I was keeping a lot of my anger and feelings inside. Being a guy I'm naturally a tad stubborn and didn't want to admit anything was wrong, I did the best I could to appear happy on the outside and not let anybody know I was miserable on the inside. One of my few confidonts recommended therapy, which I quickly rejected. Well to get back on topic I started a blog, and it didn't take long for me to use it as an outlet for all my pent up emotions. Once I realized I could do that and still not have to actually "tell" people my feelings I was hooked. I was like a 13 year old boy who learned about masturbating, and my emotions were... well I think you get the point. It seems that as I started to feel better and got my life back in order I wrote less as less as it wasn't "needed" to express things I otherwise wouldn't have said. I continued to write periodically but didn't have the same tone it did before. I wasn't venting and defending myself, I was almost grateful and happy. So now I'm at the crossroads of where do I take this blog. I don't need it the way I did before but I want to basically because I like doing it. Maybe it can be a way to keep in better touch with friends that aren't nearby or maybe I'll ramble on about nothing for a few pages, I don't really know. I'm just going to get on here and write whatever these fingers come up with. If you're hoping that after reading these last few minutes that I'm done with the boring part and the good part of the post is coming up you're going to be highly disappointed, that was the good part. This was just a trial run, dusting off the keyboard if you will. Hopefully after writing this I can still log on to my page to post this, if not I'm printing it and sending it out into the ocean in a bottle. This was just precursor, the boring part of the book that tells you what's going to happen in the book while actually telling you noting at all and you wished you hadn't read it but did anyway, ya that's what this as. At least you got it out of the way and know that from here on out I will actually have something interesting to read and not just me explaining stuff you didn't care about, and for that I say I'm sorry.

That awkward moment when....

It’s been a little over a year since my last entry so I figure it’s been long enough and should probably write again because I hear if I don’t use it I’ll lose it. I don’t think that was about my blog but whatever I’ll just apply it to this and ignore its actual meaning because that’s a whole different story…. But I digress. I would like to start writing fairly frequently again just because I don’t ever write anymore and actually kind of miss it. Don’t get your hopes up though because I’ve made that statement before and look what happened. So let’s see, what has happened in the last 13 months? Not a whole lot would be pretty sufficient but I’ll do better than that. Since I stopped I had just finished my first semester in my electrical automation program. I am now starting my 4th and final semester and am looking anxiously towards graduation. After I finished my second semester I returned home to Virginia where I spent the summer living at home and working. Unless you count fishing and work exciting I didn’t really do a whole lot but sure was nice to be back. Unless you’ve lived in Utah, it’s hard to really understand how different it is out here so it’s always nice when I’m able to get back to what seems like “reality”. So now I’ve set my sights on moving back to Virginia when I finish up here and get a late start on the rest of my life. Also since I last wrote I’ve picked up a new hobby (although some say an obsession) with fitness and nutrition. I got a gym membership and actually used it unlike all the other gym memberships I had before. So when I got back out to school and saw the apartment fitness center that I used last year, I realized that it would not be sufficient for my new physical needs. I sucked up the cost of a gym membership, which is a lot to a broke college student, and have been going diligently for the better part of 5 months. I cannot express how much I enjoy going to the gym, it has totally changed, and taken over my life. I’ve always wanted to be bigger and stronger but never really wanted to work for it. Now its all I want to do. When I get to class all I can think about is going to the gym as soon as class lets out. After the gym all I can think about is a better way to improve the workouts I’ve done and to research better and more effective workouts and nutrition. It’s almost like the gym is my major and I just happen to go to college in my spare time. But unlike school I can see progress from my time spent in the gym and I absolutely love it. I’m not giving up on my school and the career I plan to go into but I feel like my health and fitness will always take precedents over that and would like to also turn it into a career. I‘ve been studying this stuff so much and love how it’s changed me, I would like to share what I’ve learned to help other change. Maybe do a little personal training on nights and weekends (after being certified of course) or just help friends that would like a change for the better in their life. Enough about that though, I feel like people get bored when I talk about that stuff (probably because it’s all I talk about now) so I’ll kind of change paths and just share an interesting story that happened over this past break when I was home. My first weekend back home over winter break I went out with my best friend to some bars out in Clarendon. The night itself was fairly uneventful and was mostly spent standing around making fun of all the weirdo’s that were staggering around as the effects of alcohol were starting to take over. What made them stand out were their very pronounced hipster outfits. I’m talking full on colored skinny jeans, plaid shirts, uncomfortable mustaches, glasses, beanie, and probably a weird fascination with Portland. Anyway, at the end of the night wound down, closing time finally came and I waited around as the lights came on and my friend went to close out his tab. At this point I was just leaning on a table by myself watching people leave when I felt a hand cup my right but check and give a very noticeable squeeze. My immediate thoughts were ok Nick got his tab and I ready to leave, but when I looked up Nick was just emerging from the mass of people around the bar and laughing hysterically. So my next instinct was to look around for a culprit. I looked around the only person within a 10 foot radius was one of the hipster guys. A little suspicious and maybe a bit perplexed, I looked at him with a questioning look on my face and boldly asked him “Did you just grab my ass?!” He replied, with his blank facial expression unchanged, “I may have”. Touché my friend! At that point I was more surprised at his reply then I was upset that he had just molested my ass. A few more words were exchanged and then he wandered off sea of people leaving. I don’t remember the last few words we said because I was still in shock of this guy not only grabbing but admitting to grabbing my ass. I don’t know why these sort of things happen to me but I seem to constantly find myself in these sort of awkward scenarios that always end up lose-lose for me. Guess that’s just part of life

To the outside world we all grow old but not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were, we live outside the touch of time

Don’t be alarmed but it appears that I am writing for a second time in the same week! This may be considered a major feat by some. On another positive note, Chevelle has released their 6th album “ Hats Off To The Bull” which is freakin awesome! Great band! I think that excludes this session of good news from Jeff so let’s get on with the rest of the show.
One of the things I was anxious about coming home was to return back to work. Sitting in class is interesting and all but I missed all the hands on fun. Since I’ve been back I’ve worked a week and totally miss it. People always talk about wishing they were back in school and not working but I couldn’t disagree more. Sure school will make me better at my job and help me make more money from it but it is not nearly as fun as actually working. Although since being in school and away from work I must say I’ve gotten a bit soft. My back and legs aching after a day’s work when I could have done it for a week before and hardly noticed a thing.
The other thing I was looking forward to here was having a social life again. Now you might be saying to yourself right now “Self, if Jeff is having a social life why is he at home writing at 10:30 on a Friday night?” Well its because I have so much of a social life that I just so happened to go out on a Thursday night, that’s right I said THURSDAY!!! That would never have happened in Orem on a school night. Being here tho I went and lived it up and was out till 3:15 only having to get up in a little over two hours to be at work at 6:30. And that is the difference between Virginia and Utah. There is so much going on here its worth sacrificing a rough day at work for a fun night out while back on the ranch its hardly worth staying up to 11 even in I don’t have anything going on the next day.
No matter when or where I go to Utah the place just seems to suck the fun out of me. Night after night, week after week, we struggle to find fun things to do in town. Here it’s tough deciding where you want to go because of all the options. Of the handful of times I’ve ventured out into the Utah County nightlife I have been highly disappointed, even with my exceptionally low expectations. A bad night out here is better than any “good” night I’ve had in Utah. Maybe as the University continues to grow the more the city will have to accommodate to its changing environment. Unfortunately that’s going to take longer to happen than the time I’ll be there so I’m shit out of luck. Maybe instead of wanting to go out every night I should pick up a hobby, read a book, or maybe even start a blog….
The last reason of excitement of coming home is to see my family. Not just Mom and Dad but the siblings and abundance of nieces and nephews that have accumulated over the years. I have family in Utah too but cousins can’t really compare to immediate family. I’ve been speaking with Nieces on the phone and skyping my brother while hardly making an effort to see any of the many cousins I have in a 20 mile radius of my apartment. That may seem pretty mean but you have to realize I grew up in Virginia and only saw them once every other summer for a week while most of them were living 10 minutes from each other seeing each other frequently. On top of that I never really fit in with the rest of my cousins as did most of my older siblings. Maybe if I made a bit more effort I could get close but I probably won’t, it’s never been in my nature to make effort to be accepted wither family or friends. That’s probably why I don’t have many friends tho. Anywho, I’ve literally been counting the days to when we all get together after Christmas and can be one big family again. There’s something special about a connection brothers and sisters have, maybe the embarrassing things we know about each other, the way all all stick up and protect each other, or passing strategy on how to survive our parents. As I wrote last time about how fortunate I was with my parents I am also blessed with an amazing group of my brother and sisters. We don’t all get together often but when we do its some of the best times I can remember from growing up until now.
Maybe it’s the Christmas season or just being back in a place I feel I belong that has me feeling all happy and emotional like a woman but hey its ok every once in a while. Once I get back to Utah I can go back to writing meaningless boring shit but for now I’ll continue this joyful streak I seem to have going for me.

“To understand your parents' love you must raise children yourself.”

Well here I am sitting at home bored out of my mind after being so excited about coming back for the last four months. I know my friends are busy and work and it’s hard to go do anything too exciting on a Wednesday night so I figured I could help pass the time with this. Not really sure what I want to talk about considering there’s actually a number of things I feel I could write about right now. I think I’ll start off on my parents.
I just want to go ahead and say for the record “I love my parents.” It might take moving away from them to really appreciate all they do but I’m so grateful for them. Not the things like my Mom doing my laundry or the free home cooked meals but the bigger things. Maybe it’s with age that we start to realize the things they really do for us and can appreciate it more fully.
Having been a member of the working class of society I realize how hard it is to be financially responsible, and I didn’t even have things like rent, car, or even food to worry about and I still managed to lose all my money. So the fact that my parents were able to provide all the things I needed, and the things I said I needed is really such a blessing. My Dad covered all of my school expenses at Snow and I was ungrateful since I wasn’t happy at school. Looking back it must have been a huge deal to pay for all those expenses and I didn’t show the least amount of thanks. When I wanted to go back I wanted to pay for everything myself since I had been working and wanted to be “Independent”. I wasn’t quite able to save enough for everything I needed and told my parents I could get a loan but they wouldn’t hear it. So my Dad covered what I couldn’t.
That is only one of many momentous things that my parents have done for me for me to be happy and successful. They don’t ask for anything in return and do it just because they love me and want me happy. I guess it’s true when they say you never love your parents as much as your parents love you, and I won’t be able to completely understand that type of love until I have a child of my own. I just wish I had been able to be more loving back to them when I think of all the things I have put them through over the last 24 years. I’ll just wait till my child goes and does all the same things I did and get what I deserve that way.
Stay tuned for more blogs, I’m going to try and keep writing on a more regular basis. I know I’ve said that before but just hoping I actually do it this time

Newest Idea

Well I haven't quite found anything to update my blog about but its been a busy week. I had a total of five tests in the past 3 days and two of which were midterms. I would say I was busy because I had my nose in books all week but that would be a complete lie. I actually did less studying then I normally do since there wasnt any homework to be turned in. So in reality I guess I had the time to find something but just worried about my tests instead of studying. Ok you caught me I wasnt even worried about the tests. I did absolutely nothing this week and could have worked on some new ideas. In all of my nothingness I may have actually found some ideas.
Saturday I went to a hole in the wall El Salvidorian restuarant and walked around Provo checkin out pawn shops, which got me thinknig about just finding a bunch of unknown places in town and checking them out. Maybe find different obscure restuarants to cool shops in town. Provo/Orem are great for this because they are filled with stores all throughout town. It wouldn;t be so much a review as it would just documenting my exerience. The other idea I had was to go with my friends Samantha Sands and Ashley Shippen when they go to take pictures. They always seem to have such beautiful pictures of places I haven't seen around here. To understand what I mean check out their blogs Ashely and Sam. Both are amazing photographers and would be fun to spend more time with them. While I would leave the photography to them it would be cool to explore all of Utahs hidden beauty with them and write about the places we find. Since you two are my main readers anyway let me know what you think

"Just 'cause you pour syrup on something doesn't make it pancakes!' "

Upon my much anticipated return to the blogging community I decided to mull over a few of my past posts to see what I’ve written about since I’ve been on here. I remember starting off with the intention of not writing about the lackluster life I lead but something far greater than me, and after reading those old entries I realized all I’ve done is write about my life. Pretty hypocritical if you ask me, so I have a decision to make. Either give in and write about my boring ass life and the oh so unfortunate situations that seem to continually befall upon me or actually put a little effort into this dammed thing and try to make it worth reading. I had great difficulty creating a topic for this blog, hence why I’m writing this now, and was unable to come up with one. The plus side is now that I’m in school I have more than enough free time to come up with something, and maybe my new environment will inspire me. Considering I’m writing this just before bed on a school night means it will have to wait until tomorrow though. Hopefully I can come up with something and get back to my hope of an interesting and original weekly blog posting. So stay tuned to see if I actually do it this time