The joys of being retarded

So here I go again, writing in my, what seems to be, my monthly blog entry. Although these might become more frequent as it just came to my attention somebody actually reads these (thanks buddy). And as long as they give me friendly reminders to get up off my lazy and actually write this could possible become a fairly regular thing like it started off to be.
The real problem will be finding something to write about once I finally get around to it, which is starting to be a bit of a problem for me now too. So until then I guess I’ll just bull shit a little until something strikes me.
After a good hour or so on You Tube watching a wide array of stupid videos I decided I want to practice parkour. As defined by the all mighty Wikipedia “Parkour is the physical discipline of training to overcome any obstacle within one's path by adapting one's movements to the environment”. Basically it’s the people that ran, jump and flip over shit and can climb or jump off buildings. Although I see no practical reason to be able to do that I think it would be pretty bad ass. It would be a good addition to a standard gym workout though as I’m also doing that. Hopefully one day I’ll get really good at it and get chased on foot by somebody like the cops, murderer (who obviously doesn’t use guns), or a cheeta. That way I can put it to good use. But until then I’m gonna have to play it safe and stay away from trouble or hope I’m in my car.
Now that I’ve officially written the dumbest paragraph in the history in writing I will attempt to outdo myself. I am going to attempt to make sense of my brain. I’m not sure if this is normal for most people of if I’ve just gone completely insane, but I make up really weird stories and scenarios in my mind, and sometimes aloud. Usually these happen at work, since it’s usually the only time I’m interacting with people. But I will take something that was said or an action I saw and make the dumbest, illogical story you have ever heard from it. One example was I was working at an apartment complex one day and a group of middle school kids got off the bus and walked through the parking lot. One of the kids picked up sticks and began to throw them and a large sign that was probably about 4’x2’. Even though he got continually closer to the sign and the sticks got gradually bigger, he never hit the sign. Immediately I pictured the kid of a blacktop with a group of his friends, all lined up getting ready to pick teams. It eventually got down to this kid and a kid in a wheel chair. After a few seconds of deep thought the team captain picks the handicap kid. With this Jerome (yes, I have now named this uncoordinated character) is furious and begins to yell “What the F*@K man (because all middle schoolers do infact swear a lot) how you gonna pick up (insert handicap kids name here) before me?!?” And is answered with “Cuz he can at least hit a F*$*&NG sign with a stick” And with that Jerome throws the closest thing at him and misses.
That is just one of many examples I’ve had with these weird “stories” as I call them. To be honest that was one of the shorter and more appropriate ones, as they can get fairly lengthy (depending on my craziness of the day) and fairly detailed and just downright strange. Although I don’t know how much other people do it, if at all, I think it’s a bit unordinary. It does have its advantages however, it makes working a lot more enjoyable. I noticed it tends to happen a lot when doing mindless work (i.e. digging, mixing concrete, or riding in a truck). Most people would fill their thoughts with things more relevant; such as plans for the evening, the hot chick you met the night before, something that’s troubling them, a movie that still doesn’t make sense a week later, anything! But no, I let me mind wander so far that I wonder how I’m even able to make an intelligent thought afterwards. Maybe it has something to do with what those psychiatrist tests resulted in being ADD or the lack of attention span which was below the 1st percentile of people my age (also part of that test). But who needs medication to cope when you’ve got a constant entertainment instead. And with that I’m gonna go watch hockey. Peace

I've left Bethlehem and I feel free... I've left the [man] I was supposed to be and some day I'll be born.

I want to write something incredible, inconceivable, and mind blowing. I want people to make people cry, laugh, hurt, love, question everything, and be truly inspired. I want everybody to read it and to read it again. I want it to be the topic of conversation, recommendation, and praise. Unfortunately this isn’t going to be it, and I doubt anything I ever write will be. But always know that I want to and be ready for it if it ever comes.
On a more realistic note I guess I could write something about Thanksgiving. I could talk about all the people who I’m so glad to have in my life or the many blessings I have such as a house, food, ext… But we all have those things and although everybody’s specific answers are different they are essentially all the same. So I sit here pondering what the hell I can write at least a page about (because that’s usually my minimum standard, even though most posts are hardly a few sentences past that one page mark). I already wasted a whole paragraph using all the words and synonyms I could think of, and this paragraph is slowly spiraling into nothing as well so I need an answer quick.
So I thought I found something and wrote three paragraphs on it and paused, looked it over, and then erased it. It was complete shit and not worth your time reading or my time to finish writing. So once again I am struggling to come up with any sort of focus. Ok so I haven’t really thought of anything so I’m going back to a conversation I had at lunch the other day with a friend. We were talking about how we’ve kept and lost contact with certain people throughout the years and how we or they have changed. Which then led to dreams of getting away, and that is what I’m gonna talk about.
You see it all the time in the movies, some person is sick of their life and has nothing left so they pack up and move to get a clean start. I want to do that! There is nothing so bad about my life now and theres nothing in my past I’m running from but I think that would be awesome. Although being a slightly responsible person (but mainly because I was broke) I would have to make a few prior arrangements. I don’t aev the money to be able to put myself up for a short time while or to even be able to stay anywhere. I would have to find a job and a place to live but other than that just get up and go. Maybe even be like a Good Will Hunting moment and not even tell anybody and just leave (For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to your door, 'cause I think, maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye. No see you later. No nothing. You just left.)
As bad as this will make me look I would lose my old self and become a new person. I would shed my old friends, bad habits, reputation or whatever I wanted. I could meet new friends and make my own impression on people. I could make a name for myself and be my own person. No relying on people for stuff, no old meaningless grudges, high school drama, no bullshit at all. Not only to be free from all those past conflicts with others but to also be free from ourselves. So pressure put on yourself to get ahead or even maintain ourselves or others but to just live.
Maybe its just me being weird but I think that would be awesome. Maybe when I finish school and have a degree, some money, and work experience under my belt I’ll be able to do that. I’m not unhappy now and I do like my life and friends, its nothing against that, I just seek the ultimate freedom of worry. Theres always going to be bills and work and relationships that causes stress but there shouldn’t be any reason for more than that. I don’t even know if that makes any sense but If in a few years and you’re wondering well the hellever happened to Jeff Newman,, now you know. That or I’m laying face down in a ditch somewhere but either way I’m in a better place

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

Upon checking my vast computer database,( which contains about three old essays from college, come illegally downloaded songs, and way too many TV shows and movies that I wasted time watching) I noticed I hadn’t written anything since September 10. Not that it bothered me that I hadn’t written in that time, but it did bother me to realize how fast time seems to be going by. I sit here in reflection about the past year and think about all that has happened, all that didn’t happen, the what ifs and the should haves come to mind. I realize I’m about 2 months early for all this because its usually not until right before or after New Years people mull over the past year with regret and try to embrace a new positive outlook and upbeat way of life. But since it isn’t New Years and I don’t plan on changing drastically, or at least lie to myself about it, this is more sincere.
Within the past year I have decided to go back to school three semesters in a row and haven’t gone for any of them. I had planned to save money and move out of my parents house, yet I have no money and living in their basement. I continue to tell myself I’m going to change and continually don’t do it. I’m not sure of the sudden realization but I hate my life. I don’t mean that like the context of a suicide note and that everybody hates me and the world is out to get me, in fact its almost the complete opposite. I have a handful of friends that mean everything to me and would do anything for me. I have a fairly good job especially for the slowly raising economy, I was able to purchase a truck, and my parents allow me to live for free in their home while asking for little in return. Yet somehow in all that which is good I still find myself almost entirely discontented. I’m unhappy with almost everything about my life. At 23 and four years out of high school instead of just graduating from college and moving on with my life I am now just considering really going to school and where I want to lead my life. The majority of the friends I mentioned earlier live over 2000 miles away and I see once a year. I make goals for myself and fail to pass them time after time.
Maybe I set the standard to high for myself and just expect to fail and let myself. But whatever the reason I want to end it now. I may be sick of my house, parents, job, and life all together but I’m going to start making the most of it. I got “Carpe Diem” across my arm and I’ll be damned if I can’t live up to it. Before I thought maybe that meant being the life of the party or getting all the girls, but I think it’s more than that, and by more I mean less. It’s being happy with what I got. Instead of moping around and wallowing in my own self pity wish I could do it over again I’m going to start doing it now. I decided to go to school full time in the fall. I’ve made personal goals of what I want for myself physically, financially, and emotionally and instead of letting them go by the wayside I’m gonna fuckin do it!
Time is going to continue to fly by and I’d rather be I the driver seat enjoying the ride instead of watching it through the rearview mirror. I can’t continue to waste time by wondering where the time has gone, but anxiously await the time to come. Hopefully this isn’t all just a load of shit I made up in order to make myself feel better but that I go through with it. So on that note I’m going to go go to sleep because there is no more day left to seize in this day, and I’m going to need my rest if I’m going to tomorrow.

"I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time.”

Productive, proactive, prolific, the 3 P’s that every businessman wants the employees in their company to be. Unfortunately I am none of those at the moment. Right now I am sitting at a desk on my office listening to the Deftones, reading a book, and writing this non constructive (for work or in general). But its noon on a Friday and I want to get the hell out of here and this is helping to pass the time. Why don’t I just do my work to pass the time would be a logical question to which I have a equivocal response. Why? Sure it seems bad I’m apparently slacking on the job but in all honesty I’m not. I’d say this is one of the better things I’ve spent my time on while filling in at the office. While I am the only employee that has enough training and education (not in a stuck up manor) to be able to work both the field and the office, my training and education is limited that I am not as capable in the field or in the office as those working their fields respectively. So when I do have to make the transition from field to office I have the necessary skills to accomplish minor tasks but still have to leave some of the responsibilities to others. So in short I did the shit I know how and am now just a secretary waiting for the phone to ring.
Now that I’ve explained why I’m writing and also justified it, let me get onto something more important or at least more interesting. It may come to a surprise to some of you but besides writing I have also picked up an interested in reading. Kinda makes since because they do go hand in hand, but still an accomplishment for me. Just so you have an understanding the last time I actually read anything was a little over a year ago when I read the magnificent work of my hero Tucker Maxx and his adventures in I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. Some may argue that it doesn’t count to which I tend to agree with. So the book I read before that was Why We Suck: A Feel Good Guide to Staying Fat, Loud, Lazy and Stupid by Dr. Denis Leary. Don’t let the Dr. fool you though, although he is very smart and educated he is also a comedian and by the title can tell it’s not all that serious. I read that book about a year before the previous one. So as you see my reading list is far and few between. But despite all of that I, Jeff Newman, read a book. The last time I read an entire “book” (I use the quotes because my previous entries have been disqualified) was probably about 4 years ago when I read The Bourne Identity (before the movie thank you, and yes the book is much better than the movie). I even tried to read the second book in the series but the task proved to be too daunting and I gave up (so by default the movie was better the book).
This new kick has also stirred up some ridiculous ideas in my head like that I could read not only to entertain but also to learn! I know, I know, but before you get the pitchforks and torches hear me out. While the last thing I ever wanted to do once leaving school was touch another textbook (unless it was to annihilate it some way). But I soon realized all informational books aren't as painfully boring and difficult to understand as our school books were. The people that write these are smarter (in a different way) then the scientist and mathematicians who published our calculus books. For starters they know that since we are reading these books we are not experts like they are and dumb it down for us stupid people. I don’t have to know a thing about the topic for these books for me to understand it learn right away; as opposed to textbooks I would need a biology and literature degree just to understand the index. Another upgrade about these books is that they are funny as well as instructive, and I mean normal people funny, not little puns about a mushroom being a fun guy.
Because I stopped writing momentarily I lost my train of though and don’t want to go back and get back in the grove of what I was writing so I’ll start anew. I decided to take a little break and eat some lunch and the other two people in the office stepped out, and that’s when all the shit decided to go down. Literally seconds after they leave the phone rings, answer the phone, starts ringing again, finish my call answer the other line, phone rings again. So I can handle a few phone calls, put some people on hold and then I break the phone and lost all the calls. I had to use the other phone (which was mine since I actually broke my coworkers) to call back before I pissed off our customers too bad and fix the phone before anybody got back. Not really that bad when looking back but in the moment I was pretty hectic compared to what I descried of what I was doing before that happened.
But it’s actually been about two hours since that happened because I got side tracked and went to the bank and did some more work. Now I’m more pissed at the bank then I was frantic about my mini disaster. I’m not going to get into that now because its nothing of importance, just very irritating. Its 3:00 on a Friday afternoon and all this shit is just frustrating and I just want to go home. I don’t want to write anymore, and I don’t really even want to think anymore. I just want to put my headphones back in (which has changed from Deftones to Nirvana FYI) and coast the next hour. Until next time bitches!

Well ain't that something

Well I have no reason for writing this except for the fact I'm extremely bored. I'm at my sisters house "watching" her kids. They are 16, 13, and 10. Not really ages that need to be watched but still need somebody to drive them places. So I'm not doing anything until tomorrow when they need rides. So until then I will continue to waste time on facebook, watch TV, and write this nonsense.
I think what inspired me to write is the character from my show is a writer and it keeps inspiring me to write, but I just end up watching more of the show instead. Actually now that I think about it the main character is a writer in two shows i watch. During the show I get so inspired to write and get so many ideas that when the shows over I watch more episodes until its too late and go to bed. So I guess my desire to f=do nothing is greater than my desire to do something constructive and creative. So now I write meaningless blabber about how I should do something instead of actually doing it. I don't consider writing a blog, at least this blog, to be creative or constructive. At best this could be considered a lesser of evils of wastes of time. So all in all I consider this a pretty good medium.
Now that I've successfully wasted 2 good paragraphs on absolutely nothing I think its time I come up with a good topic to practice my creative writing side. I really wish I had some sort of idea or topic before I started this, it wold have made this whole thing a lot easier. Although nothing in life really is easy, or fair. Plain and simple life really is just a bitch. Its like that mean old lady across the street who nobody wants to talk to but you have to anyway because she has no family or friends so your forced to go, and all she does is bitch and moan. Its like a living version of menopause, not a person on it, just all the symptoms and side effects given a personification, and thats what life is. I don't even think any of that makes sense, even Im a little confused but what i just said, but its too late its written down so it cant be changed. A few of my favorite sayings about life are "lifes never fair", thank you dad for reminding me daily for 16 years of my life. "Nothing in life worth having is easy" I dont know who said this but you are a dick, but you are also correct. "You want something done right you gotta do it yourself" doesn't seem as relevant as the other but thank you for putting that line into lyrics Fred Durst. "Lifes a bitch, so die for her" Lil Wayne is right, i mean she's going to kill us all in the end anyway. But why is it that life is always given such a bad reputation. In her defense I am going to counter attack my own argument. "When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?" " Well put Sydney J. Harris. I couldn't have said it better myself, which is why I didn't and stole yours. So life can be challenging at times but its not always that bad. Besides, isnt it the challenge that makes the things in life so rewarding?
Now that Im extremely confused and not to mention (even thought I just did) tired Im calling it a night. After that hunk of mess about life I don't think I'm capable of putting two words that can make any reasonable sense right now. So goodnight cruel world, im going to sleep.

For better or for worse

Well it’s a Sunday night before my parents come back in town and this is the best thing I can think of to do. I’ve already gotten bored of video games, TV, pointless websites, and meaningless texts with friends. So I sat my lazy ass down (I saw this because I did contemplate working out) and decided to write a blog. Not really for the intention of writing a blog but so I don’t go completely insane. So here it is, an update on my less than ordinary life. Contrary to earlier blogs I am not going back to school, some unanticipated events took places that are hindering my (inadmissible) return to Snow College.

Upon speaking with advisors after my last semester there, when they told me since colleges here in Virginia have the acceptable accreditation that I could transfer credits back to finish my degree, somewhere between there and now they decided to enlighten me to the fact I can’t. In actuality I can transfer my credits, just not the grades accompanying them. And since my dumbass decided to let Neurological Disorders and alcohol keep me from graduation in the first place I have a number of classes left to take in order to finish. On top of that my grade point average is below the substantial grade point average minimum of a whopping 2.0 so I can’t afford to take classes and not raise my GPA.

After three semesters, two summers, and one full time job I realized it was time to go back. I was finally going to grow up and finish what I had started. I decided that I would get loans to pay for school and my parents would help out with living expenses (which I would pay back of course) and I would go in and out as quickly and quietly as possible (much like an extraction mission or term in prison). I was finally mentally and emotionally ready to go back and kick this associate’s ass when my parents sat me down. They told me it was unwise to get into debt and that they weren’t going to help, and wait another year when I would be eligible to receive financial aid. What the fuck is that bullshit! They know how much I hate that school, much less school in general, and how hard it would be to leave my job. It took me that long to decide to go back to school and now you say I shouldn’t go?!
I understand their reasoning, the fact that school or not I’m not doing whit with my life and they don’t want to be 10k down because of it. But still I mean at least let me get myself in debt and spend the rest of my adult life paying it off just like everybody else. It’s ok thought because I probably won’t go back to school and will have somebody to blame for being middle aged, bald, and making 40,000 a year for the rest of my life. Although the aging is inevitable, I will be able to hold the other two over their heads till they reach the point where neither will be able to remember what I’m talking about because “Alzheimer's disease may be passed from parents to children in some people scientists said after finding carriers of a faulty gene are two to three times more likely to have memory problems.” (Rebecca Smith, Medical Editor)

Now that I have entirely digressed from going to school to blaming my parents for balding and memory loss for absolutely no reason I’ll change the subject. Not really a change to a continuation from before my mindless ramblings. What am I going to do now that I’m home for another year? Obviously I will continue working at the job I once loved. Probably continue to live at home because I will live in a financial rut of making a low income and not saving my money. I will probably decide not to go back to school because even if I do achieve the great accomplishment of getting a two year degree I won’t continue on to receive a bachelors. So I guess coming full circle it’s a good thing they kept me from returning? Hmmm………..

Survey

Should I continue blogging in my semester at snow?