Sunday, November 28, 2010

I've left Bethlehem and I feel free... I've left the [man] I was supposed to be and some day I'll be born.

I want to write something incredible, inconceivable, and mind blowing. I want people to make people cry, laugh, hurt, love, question everything, and be truly inspired. I want everybody to read it and to read it again. I want it to be the topic of conversation, recommendation, and praise. Unfortunately this isn’t going to be it, and I doubt anything I ever write will be. But always know that I want to and be ready for it if it ever comes.
On a more realistic note I guess I could write something about Thanksgiving. I could talk about all the people who I’m so glad to have in my life or the many blessings I have such as a house, food, ext… But we all have those things and although everybody’s specific answers are different they are essentially all the same. So I sit here pondering what the hell I can write at least a page about (because that’s usually my minimum standard, even though most posts are hardly a few sentences past that one page mark). I already wasted a whole paragraph using all the words and synonyms I could think of, and this paragraph is slowly spiraling into nothing as well so I need an answer quick.
So I thought I found something and wrote three paragraphs on it and paused, looked it over, and then erased it. It was complete shit and not worth your time reading or my time to finish writing. So once again I am struggling to come up with any sort of focus. Ok so I haven’t really thought of anything so I’m going back to a conversation I had at lunch the other day with a friend. We were talking about how we’ve kept and lost contact with certain people throughout the years and how we or they have changed. Which then led to dreams of getting away, and that is what I’m gonna talk about.
You see it all the time in the movies, some person is sick of their life and has nothing left so they pack up and move to get a clean start. I want to do that! There is nothing so bad about my life now and theres nothing in my past I’m running from but I think that would be awesome. Although being a slightly responsible person (but mainly because I was broke) I would have to make a few prior arrangements. I don’t aev the money to be able to put myself up for a short time while or to even be able to stay anywhere. I would have to find a job and a place to live but other than that just get up and go. Maybe even be like a Good Will Hunting moment and not even tell anybody and just leave (For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to your door, 'cause I think, maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye. No see you later. No nothing. You just left.)
As bad as this will make me look I would lose my old self and become a new person. I would shed my old friends, bad habits, reputation or whatever I wanted. I could meet new friends and make my own impression on people. I could make a name for myself and be my own person. No relying on people for stuff, no old meaningless grudges, high school drama, no bullshit at all. Not only to be free from all those past conflicts with others but to also be free from ourselves. So pressure put on yourself to get ahead or even maintain ourselves or others but to just live.
Maybe its just me being weird but I think that would be awesome. Maybe when I finish school and have a degree, some money, and work experience under my belt I’ll be able to do that. I’m not unhappy now and I do like my life and friends, its nothing against that, I just seek the ultimate freedom of worry. Theres always going to be bills and work and relationships that causes stress but there shouldn’t be any reason for more than that. I don’t even know if that makes any sense but If in a few years and you’re wondering well the hellever happened to Jeff Newman,, now you know. That or I’m laying face down in a ditch somewhere but either way I’m in a better place

Thursday, November 4, 2010

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

Upon checking my vast computer database,( which contains about three old essays from college, come illegally downloaded songs, and way too many TV shows and movies that I wasted time watching) I noticed I hadn’t written anything since September 10. Not that it bothered me that I hadn’t written in that time, but it did bother me to realize how fast time seems to be going by. I sit here in reflection about the past year and think about all that has happened, all that didn’t happen, the what ifs and the should haves come to mind. I realize I’m about 2 months early for all this because its usually not until right before or after New Years people mull over the past year with regret and try to embrace a new positive outlook and upbeat way of life. But since it isn’t New Years and I don’t plan on changing drastically, or at least lie to myself about it, this is more sincere.
Within the past year I have decided to go back to school three semesters in a row and haven’t gone for any of them. I had planned to save money and move out of my parents house, yet I have no money and living in their basement. I continue to tell myself I’m going to change and continually don’t do it. I’m not sure of the sudden realization but I hate my life. I don’t mean that like the context of a suicide note and that everybody hates me and the world is out to get me, in fact its almost the complete opposite. I have a handful of friends that mean everything to me and would do anything for me. I have a fairly good job especially for the slowly raising economy, I was able to purchase a truck, and my parents allow me to live for free in their home while asking for little in return. Yet somehow in all that which is good I still find myself almost entirely discontented. I’m unhappy with almost everything about my life. At 23 and four years out of high school instead of just graduating from college and moving on with my life I am now just considering really going to school and where I want to lead my life. The majority of the friends I mentioned earlier live over 2000 miles away and I see once a year. I make goals for myself and fail to pass them time after time.
Maybe I set the standard to high for myself and just expect to fail and let myself. But whatever the reason I want to end it now. I may be sick of my house, parents, job, and life all together but I’m going to start making the most of it. I got “Carpe Diem” across my arm and I’ll be damned if I can’t live up to it. Before I thought maybe that meant being the life of the party or getting all the girls, but I think it’s more than that, and by more I mean less. It’s being happy with what I got. Instead of moping around and wallowing in my own self pity wish I could do it over again I’m going to start doing it now. I decided to go to school full time in the fall. I’ve made personal goals of what I want for myself physically, financially, and emotionally and instead of letting them go by the wayside I’m gonna fuckin do it!
Time is going to continue to fly by and I’d rather be I the driver seat enjoying the ride instead of watching it through the rearview mirror. I can’t continue to waste time by wondering where the time has gone, but anxiously await the time to come. Hopefully this isn’t all just a load of shit I made up in order to make myself feel better but that I go through with it. So on that note I’m going to go go to sleep because there is no more day left to seize in this day, and I’m going to need my rest if I’m going to tomorrow.