Thursday, November 4, 2010

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

Upon checking my vast computer database,( which contains about three old essays from college, come illegally downloaded songs, and way too many TV shows and movies that I wasted time watching) I noticed I hadn’t written anything since September 10. Not that it bothered me that I hadn’t written in that time, but it did bother me to realize how fast time seems to be going by. I sit here in reflection about the past year and think about all that has happened, all that didn’t happen, the what ifs and the should haves come to mind. I realize I’m about 2 months early for all this because its usually not until right before or after New Years people mull over the past year with regret and try to embrace a new positive outlook and upbeat way of life. But since it isn’t New Years and I don’t plan on changing drastically, or at least lie to myself about it, this is more sincere.
Within the past year I have decided to go back to school three semesters in a row and haven’t gone for any of them. I had planned to save money and move out of my parents house, yet I have no money and living in their basement. I continue to tell myself I’m going to change and continually don’t do it. I’m not sure of the sudden realization but I hate my life. I don’t mean that like the context of a suicide note and that everybody hates me and the world is out to get me, in fact its almost the complete opposite. I have a handful of friends that mean everything to me and would do anything for me. I have a fairly good job especially for the slowly raising economy, I was able to purchase a truck, and my parents allow me to live for free in their home while asking for little in return. Yet somehow in all that which is good I still find myself almost entirely discontented. I’m unhappy with almost everything about my life. At 23 and four years out of high school instead of just graduating from college and moving on with my life I am now just considering really going to school and where I want to lead my life. The majority of the friends I mentioned earlier live over 2000 miles away and I see once a year. I make goals for myself and fail to pass them time after time.
Maybe I set the standard to high for myself and just expect to fail and let myself. But whatever the reason I want to end it now. I may be sick of my house, parents, job, and life all together but I’m going to start making the most of it. I got “Carpe Diem” across my arm and I’ll be damned if I can’t live up to it. Before I thought maybe that meant being the life of the party or getting all the girls, but I think it’s more than that, and by more I mean less. It’s being happy with what I got. Instead of moping around and wallowing in my own self pity wish I could do it over again I’m going to start doing it now. I decided to go to school full time in the fall. I’ve made personal goals of what I want for myself physically, financially, and emotionally and instead of letting them go by the wayside I’m gonna fuckin do it!
Time is going to continue to fly by and I’d rather be I the driver seat enjoying the ride instead of watching it through the rearview mirror. I can’t continue to waste time by wondering where the time has gone, but anxiously await the time to come. Hopefully this isn’t all just a load of shit I made up in order to make myself feel better but that I go through with it. So on that note I’m going to go go to sleep because there is no more day left to seize in this day, and I’m going to need my rest if I’m going to tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. poo,

    you inspire me. this was beautiful if i can call it that. srsly. go for the gold. finish the race. do what you want to do. become what you always dreamed of becoming. i am here to support you 100%. i know that you can do whatever you have set your mind to do. hello! you are jcpn. im SERIOUS too. you have so much potential. now just put it to use. do what you want. i think our biggest fear sometimes is that we are inadequate. but the only thing holding you back is yourself. so just DO IT!!! i love you to pieces. you mean the world to me.

    love your ashy.

    ps i hope im one of those 2,000 mile friends.