Sunday, November 28, 2010

I've left Bethlehem and I feel free... I've left the [man] I was supposed to be and some day I'll be born.

I want to write something incredible, inconceivable, and mind blowing. I want people to make people cry, laugh, hurt, love, question everything, and be truly inspired. I want everybody to read it and to read it again. I want it to be the topic of conversation, recommendation, and praise. Unfortunately this isn’t going to be it, and I doubt anything I ever write will be. But always know that I want to and be ready for it if it ever comes.
On a more realistic note I guess I could write something about Thanksgiving. I could talk about all the people who I’m so glad to have in my life or the many blessings I have such as a house, food, ext… But we all have those things and although everybody’s specific answers are different they are essentially all the same. So I sit here pondering what the hell I can write at least a page about (because that’s usually my minimum standard, even though most posts are hardly a few sentences past that one page mark). I already wasted a whole paragraph using all the words and synonyms I could think of, and this paragraph is slowly spiraling into nothing as well so I need an answer quick.
So I thought I found something and wrote three paragraphs on it and paused, looked it over, and then erased it. It was complete shit and not worth your time reading or my time to finish writing. So once again I am struggling to come up with any sort of focus. Ok so I haven’t really thought of anything so I’m going back to a conversation I had at lunch the other day with a friend. We were talking about how we’ve kept and lost contact with certain people throughout the years and how we or they have changed. Which then led to dreams of getting away, and that is what I’m gonna talk about.
You see it all the time in the movies, some person is sick of their life and has nothing left so they pack up and move to get a clean start. I want to do that! There is nothing so bad about my life now and theres nothing in my past I’m running from but I think that would be awesome. Although being a slightly responsible person (but mainly because I was broke) I would have to make a few prior arrangements. I don’t aev the money to be able to put myself up for a short time while or to even be able to stay anywhere. I would have to find a job and a place to live but other than that just get up and go. Maybe even be like a Good Will Hunting moment and not even tell anybody and just leave (For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to your door, 'cause I think, maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye. No see you later. No nothing. You just left.)
As bad as this will make me look I would lose my old self and become a new person. I would shed my old friends, bad habits, reputation or whatever I wanted. I could meet new friends and make my own impression on people. I could make a name for myself and be my own person. No relying on people for stuff, no old meaningless grudges, high school drama, no bullshit at all. Not only to be free from all those past conflicts with others but to also be free from ourselves. So pressure put on yourself to get ahead or even maintain ourselves or others but to just live.
Maybe its just me being weird but I think that would be awesome. Maybe when I finish school and have a degree, some money, and work experience under my belt I’ll be able to do that. I’m not unhappy now and I do like my life and friends, its nothing against that, I just seek the ultimate freedom of worry. Theres always going to be bills and work and relationships that causes stress but there shouldn’t be any reason for more than that. I don’t even know if that makes any sense but If in a few years and you’re wondering well the hellever happened to Jeff Newman,, now you know. That or I’m laying face down in a ditch somewhere but either way I’m in a better place

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